love doesn’t fix your finances

I told the man I have been involved with for a year and a half that I love him. I felt more comfortable with him that night than I have ever before, with anyone I have dated. I felt secure and so full of love for days after. Yesterday that good mood ebbed away. I recognized the ebbing when I woke up to my alarm–“Waking up with a smile makes your day better”–and mustered only an eye roll, but had a good morning, and didn’t notice again until the afternoon. Such an amazing feeling is finite and when I recognized its faded presence, I wondered what I could do to sustain it, what had happened for it to go away. I blame money. After feeling so steady with my finances, sure of my financial planning and goals, I suddenly had several hundred dollars less than I expected, with several more necessary errands I need to run before my next paycheck. Never mind that my checking account is in a significantly and progressively improved state. Love did not fix my finances and despite what I felt and believed for days, did not make everything okay.

As I deflated, I regressed to habits I’d given up for approximately five days, eager to re-establish a familiar connection with my anxiety, only to continue feeling exactly nothing.

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Amphetamine Logic

I’ve been consistently taking Adderall for almost a year now! Crazy how time flies. My usual psychiatrist is very wary of treating his patients with stimulants, which I think is reasonable, given that I’ve been abusing* them off and on for five years. Surprise!

Continue reading “Amphetamine Logic”