dating

Maybe Things Are Going Right

HI HELLO I’M HERE I’M ALIVE.

WordPress forgot me after all these months away. It was bound to happen, given the amount of logins and passwords I have for the platform–for about twenty other websites that are not mine. That I maintain for clients. Sort of. They are clients! Do I maintain their websites? Sort of. I probably could, I think. It’s WordPress, not rocket science, but as much as I like to think that I can handle web development, developer I am not.

All it took was a lot (or should I say a latte) of caffeine and I’m back! My creative excitement is pinging around inside of me and I want to sustain the feeling infinitely, but this always goes the same way…

Aaand it’s gone.

Listen. I’ve been dating someone for almost a year, okay? Except that’s not true at all and if he were anyone else I would feel just so completely ridiculous writing that, because we actually only dated for a month at the most. (more…)

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There Were Two in the Bed and the Little One Said Get the Fuck Out

For all my talk about dating and being in a relationship, I wonder if I actually even want to be in one at all. I like the idea in theory, but I’m so out of practice, I could be wrong. I mean I have a routine. It’s my way or the highway and if you choose the highway I’ll run you over with my car. I like the way things are now. If I brought someone else in then I’d probably have to accommodate them and I don’t want to do that.

But more importantly, I do not like sharing the bed. I move around a lot and like to sprawl, probably because I overheat easily.If I can’t even share a bed, how can I share my life??

new girl i sing to myself

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Orange is the New Black

When you find out that a guy you were seeing a few months ago is dating someone else. This would not be a big deal except this guy is actually going to PRISON at the end of the year for NOT a short amount of time because he did some pretty shitty stuff.

The guy who is going to PRISON has managed to find someone who will still date him even though he is GOING TO PRISON and you cannot.

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At Least My Cat Loves Me

I haven’t been writing much lately and it’s because all things considered, my life is going well right now. Great new job, riding horses, volunteering, graduate school, friends, and no one in my family is recently dead or anything like that. But why focus on the positive when I can focus on the negative? The negative being that after a year and a half of being single and all alone, I am still single and ALL ALONE. Besides my parents and my friends and my siblings. Whatever. None of them fill that penis shaped hole inside of me.

But the real reason I haven’t been writing is because my parents are reading this and it’s their job to ruin my life. My mom gave me some “advice” like 6 months ago that still (!!!!) haunts me.

No sex before monogamy.

Sorry mom, but seriously, it’s not the 40s anymore and what do you know? You got that advice from a reality show.

So anyway, I was just feeling bummed every which way about the fact that there’s something about me that just makes me completely unlovable to attractive, well-adjusted straight men. For a while I was trying to figure it out, like hey, I know I’m not perfect and it’s completely reasonable that there might be something I might need to change. So I ran through the list of things that are maybe just “too much” for other people.

  • Too smart
  • Too pretty
  • Boobs are too big
  • Too good in bed
  • Too funny
  • Too personable
  • Too endearingly awkward
  • Too driven
  • Too good with animals
  • Too many positive qualities
  • Too crazy

WHAT OH WHAT COULD IT BE? Oh right, it’s that last one. I don’t like to use the word crazy when referring to women though, so instead I’ll say I’m emotionally spastic instead.

kim k all alone

But like, if you’re gonna date a girl, I’m pretty sure that’s a given, and considering all my other qualities, I’m really the best deal you’re going to get. Yet somehow I’m STILL ALONE while there are great guys dating awful girls. I mean like controlling, condescending, rude, manipulative, mean girls. And here I am, all aloney on my owny, sitting on my bed of spinsterhood with my cat next to me.

Even she runs away when I try to cuddle with her.

I mean so what if I expect a date to be planned an entire day ahead of time? Or if I only text a guy that I’m casually seeing every few days? I know it’s a bit much to start to have feelings for someone after a single date, but what can I say…

I’m just completely un-fucking-reasonable.

But hey, being an crazy spinster has its perks. I can eat all the S’mores Oreos and cake and ice cream I want and never have to worry about looking good naked. And then I can use my empty ice cream pints to cry my lonely cat lady tears into.

She’s Saving Herself For Luke Perry

I’ve been dating two different guys for the past month. That’s not actually interesting in itself, but what is interesting is that the other night I got to tell one of them “I think you’re too involved in your own life to be involved in mine,” which makes me feel oh-so grown up, like in an I’m-still-five-years-old-feeling-like-how-I-thought-I’d-be-when-I-was-twenty sort of way. Like when I was seven years old and had a literal dream about being ten because the idea of being in the double digits was so incredible.

Like woah dude, so grown up.

And then the very next day I got to tell the other one, the one who I’ve only gone out on TWO dates with because even though we seem to genuinely like each other, we are also actually busy doing other stuff like having a life in general, you know, so it’s not even at all serious. Except we do make a point to keep in touch, so.

you could say napoleon dynamite

What was I saying? Yeah, I got to tell this guy that I didn’t like making plans spur of the moment like he does. I am busy and have other people to hang out with, buddy. Oh, this was on the phone, by the way. Not texting. Actual voice to voice contact. Because he’s a rad dude, that’s why. After I told him that, you know what he said to me? “You’re gonna have to get used to it if you hang out with me,” or something to that effect. I was just like

dianna agron eyebrow raise

“OH DO I NOW?”

Those are the words that I said to him. And then I was like haha no. Because seriously, no.*

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I’m up for last minute business, if I’ve spent the day unemployed, on my couch, re-watching Orphan Black in order to prepare for the season premiere next month. Just don’t tell him that. I’d like to set some sort of precedent, thanks, that specifies I don’t work around this kid’s schedule, this fuckin west side rich kid who didn’t even kiss me on the first date.

My mother would approve.

*We’re going out again later this week.