HI HELLO I’M HERE I’M ALIVE.
WordPress forgot me after all these months away. It was bound to happen, given the amount of logins and passwords I have for the platform–for about twenty other websites that are not mine. That I maintain for clients. Sort of. They are clients! Do I maintain their websites? Sort of. I probably could, I think. It’s WordPress, not rocket science, but as much as I like to think that I can handle web development, developer I am not.
All it took was a lot (or should I say a latte) of caffeine and I’m back! My creative excitement is pinging around inside of me and I want to sustain the feeling infinitely, but this always goes the same way…
Aaand it’s gone.
Listen. I’ve been dating someone for almost a year, okay? Except that’s not true at all and if he were anyone else I would feel just so completely ridiculous writing that, because we actually only dated for a month at the most. We do this dance, where we come together briefly but quickly separate and stay apart for months before coming together again and repeating the moves.
All of that time, I saw my role as the insecure needy one while he played the well-adjusted nice guy.
On our first date last September he told me how busy he is, due to work. Too busy to date, really. All I heard was “I’m dedicated to my craft and will be a great provider for our children.”
He didn’t kiss me until after our third date, when I was lying next to him, in his bed, wearing nothing the T-shirt he handed me, the softest he could find. But before kissing me, he asked me for permission, unlike too many of my first kisses (of which there have also been too many)–something that shocked my mother when I told her how old-fashioned her expectations of respect were.
I did spend the night (which was my master plan all along, and I had the toothbrush and lens case to prove it) and we slept together, but not like that. “Sex changes things,” he told me, and that was that.
Things between us have been backward ever since.
Everything was based around his schedule and I knew that wasn’t great, but I also didn’t care! We bonded quickly and deeply. I mean, I did. I think he did too. But we stopped dating a month later. He explained that we couldn’t be together, that he was too busy right now.
RIGHT NOW, though! He said not RIGHT NOW, which is only a delayed yes! Maybe it would only be a couple of days before he came to his senses. Or weeks! I could even handle a few months! In the mean time, we could be friends.
Two months later, I was still hooked on his nice guy “we can’t be together right now” break up line. He had to tell me point blank that we wanted different things right now (RIGHT NOW!!!) and he just didn’t think we were a good match, so as to dissuade me from texting almost daily.
FF>>to March and after two months of not speaking and blocking him on Instagram, we were back in touch AS FRIENDS. Naturally he came over to watch a movie, as friends do! Homeward Bound, if you must know, a favorite from both of our childhoods. I was on drugs from my wisdom teeth extraction the day before, and he was sick. We cuddled on my bed, as I do with all of my friends. He shyly suggested that we have sex, also a thing I do with all of my friends!
Just kidding. I said no and suggested he leave. (Kidding again; I would never ask him to leave! He left of his own accord.)
We got together again a couple of weeks later for a walk in a cemetery, as people often do. Walking has been our thing–as much as walking can belong to anyone–since our first date and it’s the most effective way for us to talk, since we don’t have to look each other in the eye! And talk we did, about work and about our feelings. Just not our feelings toward each other!
And the cycle continued again. He was busy, distant, cold. I was insecure and passive aggressive. Mean.
Weeks later, I told him I wasn’t going to reach out anymore–even I have a limit to how many times I let myself get hurt in an unhealthy situation, and while that number may be high, the limit does exist!
We stopped talking for four months. I didn’t even need to delete his phone number, and this time he blocked me on Instagram. (And moons later has still not unblocked.)
But good men are hard to come by. Ones that I want to date, anyway. In the four months that I didn’t text this guy (but did drunk dial once at 3am because I thought he’d be awake!), I moved on with not one but two! crushes, neither of whom even registered my existence. Given the extent of that kind of unavailability, you’d think I’d be satisfied, but no! I was ready to invest in something long-term.
A few weeks ago (when I started writing this post!), I texted him to suggest that after all we’d experienced, we should be sleeping together. Why not? Months ago he told me sex changes things. Well, now something between us needed to change!
He wouldn’t agree due to my excessive emotional availability and his complete lack thereof, but I explained that I had no expectation of developing a relationship (lol) or furthering our emotional connection.
Here we are, two months later! We’ve done this dance for a year now. The more I learn about myself, the more I understand him.
In other news, we got into a big fight a few days ago, he’s not talking to me, and I probably texted him too much the past two days! But. BUT! For the first time in my romantic life, this absence does not make me anxious. He always comes back.