The Thing About Garbage People

I just spent almost half of my tax return on making my car run better. This is awful and I haaaaate it.

I had this friend who was broken up with and pretty upset. For a while. Like to the point where people who didn’t know her that well we like “get over it” and then even her good friends were like “get over it.” And I mean I get it, because she was super selfish around that time. Lots of drama, Coachella, this and that. All very Southern California and annoying.

But at the same time I’m like… people can be pretty insensitive when it comes to others’ feelings. Telling someone to get over feeling shitty and hurt by someone they care about is just really presumptuous I think. No one really gets to have a say in how long you’re allowed to feel a certain way.

Then again, feeling unhappy or bitter doesn’t give you the right to talk about yourself all the time and ignore everyone else. We’ve all got some pretty serious first world problems. Like me not wanting to spend the money that I very much do have on a car that my parents bought me that very much needs new tires.

I’m all for letting people feel their feelings but it’s really not the biggest problem in the world and eventually everyone stops caring. So feel your feelings all you want, but don’t expect that everyone will continue to care with you.

Getting over something isn’t just about the way it makes you feel though. It’s about adjusting to a new lens and a new way of seeing life. When someone you love dies, you have to grapple with them never being around again. It’s not like they just aren’t talking to you; they’re gone forever.

But we’re not talking about death here because I’m not really familiar with it and also because comprehending the reality of it is super depressing.

But I AM familiar with breakups. Urrrrgly breakups. And like general betrayal and lying and confusion. I don’t want to presume anything about this friend’s breakup, but it seemed like a normal and healthy breakup to me. So whatever, maybe mine have been too and I’m just delusional and self-centered.

For shits and gigs let’s pretend I’m not delusional, for the sake of my reputation.

The reality of life is that we exist within relationship to everyone else in the world. Six degrees of separation and stuff like that. Our lives consist of our interactions with other people and relationships with those around us. Close relationships with people we love have a particular impact. Especially when you get dumped. Even more so when someone dies, but we’re not going there, right? Just the dumping.

I can confidently say that at one point, the getting dumped and friend shitting on your life combo scrambled my brain pretty well, for a few years. Now I’m finally getting back to being a sane human being (but possibly delusional). A solid 3 years later. Getting dumped is rough but it’s a fairly normal thing that can be handled in a respectful manner. For me, that wasn’t what made a particular relationship (or two, really, actually sort of three…) so difficult to handle. For the span of a year or so, I kept finding out about how people had lied to me, had spun lies about me, and had made sport of laughing at me behind my back.

I spent a year coming to terms with my actions as a garbage person. Actions such as dating a guy that my friend had a crush on and then succumbing to this hellfire that was created after. But like honestly, thinking about it, I just cannot fathom that anything I did was so awful that I deserved to have people intentionally hurt me.

What was so hurtful about it? That this person who I thought was my friend, who never told me that my actions bothered her, made it apparent that she had never liked me or cared about me at all, to the point where she TOLD me about about how she had sex with my ex, how often they had make out even before that, how the two of them had a threesome with her boyfriend, how the three of them laughed at the things that I texted to my ex and made fun of me together.

In the end, I’ve spent a good chunk of my life feeling bad for shit that I shouldn’t feel bad for. I pissed of a wretched person and dated a narcissist. Blaahhhh.

Then for a while I was like TRUST NO ONE, EVERYONE IS HORRIBLE but it was in a far less conscious manner. It’s honestly pretty difficult to find people who don’t say negative things about people behind their back. I’ve settled to allow light gossip. Re: the dating sitch, the dating pool in Los Angeles does not set a great standard.

I suppose something positive came out of that situation. You know, with the friend who snuck around with my ex-boyfriend for months, who later told me that I was pathetic for being so broken up about that breakup. Thanks to her, I decided to stop being friends with such awful shit monster people.

Since then, I’ve befriended some fantastic and intelligent women who actually contribute substance to my life. Even so, I have to repress the urge to overthink actions and words. Honestly, it’s a little self-centered to assume that everyone is out to get you. But passive aggressiveness ties so closely to insecurities. It’s sort of easy to think that people are intentionally needling me in parts that are most sensitive.

Even so, I’m satisfied that my old shit monster pal seems to be continuing to make the same shitty mistakes in life. Because yeah, I totally creeped.

I also have a new cruuusshhhh.

 

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