That Time I Acted Like Even More Of An Awkward Moron Than Usual

This is the story of the time my friend Jake came to visit me and I was awkward. The two aren’t directly correlated, but he was visiting while I was awkward, which gives the awkwardness more of a time frame, since it is a regular occurrence in my life.

It was the third and final night of Jake’s visit. Some of my friends were doing a sketch comedy show that night, and I’d already decided like a month before that I’d be attending. Friendly support and all, ya know? So I told this to Jake and after a day of beach bumming and trying to find the Daredevil premiere, we headed on over.

Since I had no food in my house that I was willing to share because I 1) am poor and 2) eat strange foods that no one would want to share anyway, we first stopped at a bar so Jake could eat and we could drink. There was a painting night going on. Many single ladies and unwilling boyfriends were there. We sat at the bar. The guy next to Jake was drunk and hitting on a girl. The bartenders were very attractive. I’ve been meaning to go back and see if either of them will marry me, come to think of it. They’re both probably actors though, so :/

We got to the theater and I introduced Jake to a bunch of people while we waited in line. Finally we took our seats and the show started. It was funny and we laughed. Then it was over and we all went outside to congratulate our friends on being funny and to bask in the glow of their coolness. I was so overwhelmed by all the coolness that I forgot that I am not one actually possessing the cool and then I asked a very attractive guy if I could touch his hair.

Luckily I knew this guy and even remembered his name. This is not a normal thing for me, remembering names, and I only happened to remember his because it was like the third time we’d met and he pretended to be offended that I didn’t remember it last time. For the sake of this post, he will henceforth be known as Attractive Guy. So this was like the third or even fourth time we met face to face and actually made a point to say hi and exchange actual words, which is major progress, believe it or not. Before we’d met, I’d seen him a few times, in my super awkward stalker (stalkward?) way. Like imagine me at a barbecue, hiding behind a potted plant as I scout out the scene. Because even though I’ve never actually done that, that is what I do in my mind every time I’m in a social setting. Every. Time.

We met at a friend’s party a few months ago. I was doing my stalkward thing and I noticed his presence. As I’d done before, I took a moment mourn what would never be and then moved on. Imagine my horror when, just an hour or so later, we actually spoke. To each other. Even if I’d anticipated such a scenario would ever happen (and let’s be real, my imagination creates some pretty detailed scenarios), I would not have been prepared. He told me his name was Attractive Guy. Our conversation was brief, as most of my conversations tend to go. We spoke again later. I told him I’d forgotten his name.

Thus began our torrid love affair. Just kidding. Come on. The next time I saw Attractive Guy was at the comedy show. I was like “Hey Attractive Guy, like how I remembered your name?” and we talked about things that I don’t remember because they were probably stupid.

“Your hair looks different,” I pointed out.

“Probably because you can see it,” he said.

I feel like I laughed too much at this comment, even though I’m sure I didn’t, but I might just be trying to erase the entire encounter from my memory. Anyway. Normally he wore hats. That night he wasn’t. And because his hair looked like a gravity defying cloud, I asked to touch it. Because that is who I am and that is the sort of thing I do.

Then I touched his hair and it did not feel like a cloud because it was hair, not a cloud.

Then we left because Jake was tired and I needed to die of embarrassment.

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