Everything about my sense of self has disintegrated over the past few months. What a difference a year makes. I’m less sure of everything, which I think is a nice change of pace. The city I live in is still new to me. The people are too. On top of that, my parents are moving from my childhood home, and not just to another house. To a new state. Far, far away from were I grew up. Really mom and dad, must you have your own lives? Is it really too much to ask that every single thing you do revolves around what I want?
Bye bye stability.
I recently went out with a guy who enjoys living his life a specific way. No consistent, lasting relationships, save with his immediate family. Definitely never having kids. Friends? Maybe. I couldn’t tell. Always moving and seeing but never staying. I’m like 37% sure he was homeless. Such a life has been appealing to me for years but I’ve already tethered myself with responsibility. I don’t know if I’d actually like it anyway. I sure do like the idea though.
I’ve gone out with this Homeless Dude a couple times. He seriously does not want anything serious, and it’s working well for me. No commitment means no expectations means no worry and no problem. He’s set in his ways, has strong opinions and unpopular views and man do I love to argue with him.
I’m finding more and more what I want and don’t want in another person. Naturally I’m learning about myself, too. Well, that might be too generous. I’m unlearning what I thought I knew and generally flailing around trying to figure out what to do about that. I get to decide who I’m going to be, but who I want to be isn’t as easy to create as I’d like. I’m recognizing old habits that I’d thought were gone. These people I want to be friends with, or do I? Drama, drama, drama. Life is just one enormous minefield. Might as well make it explode a little.