Kill Your Darlings

Last night I had the most horrible nightmare and I’m going to tell you what it was. Before you roll your eyes and stop reading because NO ONE CARES ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S DREAMS, I preface that I’ll keep it quick.

I had a dream that a guy that I rejected on Ok Cupid was a fucking psycho and tried to exact his revenge by shooting me. My dream self hadn’t even gone out with this guy. I hadn’t even officially turned him down. I merely decided that I wasn’t interested. So his reaction was to bring a gun into the house/college campus/store/wherever my dream self was. I’m assuming that his intention was to murder me, but things got a little murky after that.

That’s what I get for watching the Doctor Who Christmas Special before bed.

I deactivated my account about a month ago during my writing workshop for school. It didn’t hurt that I was also only interested in Quantum Physics. However, I’m no longer as busy and the account is back! It’s now tinged with fear, but I shall persevere. Plus things didn’t work out with Quantum Physics and I needed to distract myself.

stay home be depressed gif

It’s too bad because I really liked him. I don’t mean “really” in the sense that I super liked him a whole bunch. I mean it in the sense that my feelings were genuine. Why him out of all the guys I’ve met over the past few months? He possessed most of the qualities I had on my check list, but that wasn’t it. Those things don’t magically make two people compatible, you know?

It was that look. The look that two people share when something is there between them. It’s that something that can’t really be explained unless you’re a complete stick in the mud and use science. It’s a question on their part and an acknowledgment on yours. It’s a secret that you create without a word. It’s the seed of something bigger. It can create an entire world that belongs to just the two of you.

The first time it happened was at the end of our coffee date, after he finally shut his mouth about science long enough for me to tell him I needed to move my car. With him feeling sheepish for blabbing about physics and space for like an hour and me feeling like an airhead for having nothing to contribute, we caught each other’s eyes and that was that.

It happened a few more times, enough for me to believe he did like me. I hope he did, if only to confirm that the wires connecting my instinct, logic, and feelings haven’t gotten so completely fucked up that I can’t tell at all anymore.

That look isn’t enough to build an entire relationship on, though. It’s sort of embarrassing that I had to actually experience the extent of that truth to learn it, but I did. While Quantum Physics and I turned out to be skilled at making eye contact, we weren’t quite able to build that “special world.” Apparently he was too busy to say hi to me once in a while. Like that is legitimately what he told me. He was too busy. No buddy, you are not too busy. You are not so busy that you can’t spare 30 seconds to text me in the morning with a simple “Have a good day.” I don’t think that even requires 30 seconds. More like 10. Or 5.

it's not a pen, it's a principle community annie gif

He was busy, I’ll give him that, but not including me in that busy schedule was his choice. If we wanted to, he could have. It’s that simple. I don’t know what his reasons were for not. I don’t know if he was even aware of what he was doing. But he certainly didn’t have any business dating if he didn’t have time for it. I mean hello.

When I first noticed he was less than attentive, I was tempted to ignore it. I tried convincing myself that I was the problem and needed to calm down. I wanted too much from him. He said he was busy, didn’t he? I told myself that he’d get to me when he had time.

tennenbaums i doubt that gif

Of course that attitude didn’t last long because I wasn’t being unreasonable. Wanting a guy you’re seeing to SAY HELLO once in a while is not unreasonable. Having expectations and feelings is not unreasonable. Since I’m impatient and like to say what’s on my mind, I took a chance and did something crazy. I told him what I was thinking. I told him that a little more acknowledgment of my existence would be nice. And he said he’d work on it. GREAT.

Well he didn’t. I brought it up again a couple weeks later. He was sort of a dick about it. So that was that.

I mean really, if things started to become difficult that early on, it was not going to work. Either he was going to have to compromise or I would, and it kind of felt like we were both putting that effort in (at least I was and I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, even though he definitely wasn’t) and it still didn’t work.

One month in and it was already stressing me out. No thanks. That is definitely not the sort of relationship I want to be in. Just imagine how difficult it would be in a year or ten, let alone a lifetime. He was busy and I was undervalued. I was not clingy or needy. I was perfectly reasonable.

I’ve been that “crazy” girl before (as inappropriate as I find the term). The one who nags because she’s undervalued. The one who hears all the excuses from him and even makes them for him. The one who stays in a relationship because she’s too insecure to leave, who is convinced it will get better.

It was definitely the same sort of situation. Thanks but no thanks.

modern family gloria never look back gif


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