After many years, I’ve come to the undeniable conclusion that I’m a bit of a sassy gal. Sarcastic, feisty, bitchy, rude, whatever, I’ve heard it all. While I actually like this quality about myself quite a lot, I grew up learning that I should refrain from such comments. I wasn’t witty or endearing; I had a bad attitude. I suppose that was true to a certain extent; after all, I only said such things when I thought someone was being painfully stupid. Or just a bit oblivious to an obvious situation. It’s a judgmental habit I inherited from my parents, so you’d think they would have appreciated it more, but whatever.
So I spent a long time holding back. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, right? It’s mean. It’s poor form. It’s also my main form of communication. As a result, instead of voicing all of my bitchy comments, I held my tongue and spent a lot of my life keeping quiet.
Yeah, that really does not work for me.
When I realized that one of my friends here, arguably the nicest person I’ve ever met, is even sassier than I, I was yet again faced with a harsh reality that I’ve been coming to terms with for years now.
Screw what everyone else thinks.
I mean really. There’s a time and place, of course, but I can’t continue stifling an aspect of myself that is so vital to who I am. Basically, if you can’t handle it or don’t get it, I don’t care. I’ve put in a great deal of effort cultivating a useful filter for all the ridiculous things that come to mind. Usually I’m able to realize I shouldn’t say something before I say it, but as demonstrated in the case with Quantum Physics, it doesn’t always work.
There are still plenty of things I shouldn’t and won’t say, but my feisty ‘tude shall not continue to be included. I’ve spent so much time with my head up my ass trying to do and say things that will make other people happy. I’ve been working hard to change that over the past couple of years, but it’s a long process. I wouldn’t say it’s difficult, not exactly, because all I have to do is think about how unhappy I am when I ascribe to other people’s standards.
It’s not instant though, and it’s an unreliable process. I guess it would be easy to get discouraged and give up, but luckily I haven’t done that yet. I’ve just stuck with some bad habits longer than I’d like.
I guess that right now, my big area of improvement focuses on dating and relationships. Mainly romantic ones, but I’ve also been thinking a lot about how important friendship is. A romantic relationship built between people who don’t have friends can become co-dependent. Been there, done that, no thanks. Friends are important. Even just one or two. But I’m talking about real friends. Good ones. People with whom you can be yourself and talk about important things. They’re the people who will support you unconditionally (as long as you’re reciprocating that effort) so that you don’t feel like you need to be in a relationship.
And well, in order to have friends like that, you’ve gotta be comfortable being yourself. And in order to do that, you have to know who you are.
I actually have a pretty good idea of who I am at this point, so kudos to me. Well, at the very least I know that I’m highly dramatic, a quality that in my case, only works when paired with irony. I know that I’m dramatic and have a high opinion of myself. I know that to many, this comes off as self-absorbed. And I know those things are true. I’m an arrogant know-it-all with a high opinion of myself. What else can I do but use it to my advantage?
I say this is important in order to find true friends, but it’s also vital to a good romantic relationship, too. I mean Bill Nye the Quantum Physics Guy didn’t seem to mind when the first thing I said to him was that he looked different that I expected. He seemed to find it amusing, come to think of it. He also laughed at every outrageous thing that I said. I’ve only seen him once, canceling our second date in favor of Six Flags, but he sure does seem to like me. I’m finally seeing him again tonight, actually.
He likes me because I’m being exactly who I am. And who knows, maybe it won’t work out. If it doesn’t, I’d rather know that I was honest. I’d rather we both be exactly who we are and know it doesn’t work because of that. I’d hate to pretend that I’m someone I’m not just because I think someone else will like it. I’d hate to pretend and for it to not work – or even worse, actually work – as a result. I don’t want to be with someone who I have to pretend around.
Along those same lines, I know what I want. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m not going to compromise what I want in a relationship in favor of just having one. There’s no shortage of decent available guys, as I’ve experienced firsthand. They’re definitely not hard to come by if you compromise your standards. But just because a guy seems to be nice, decently attractive, and interesting doesn’t mean I have to date him. I’m not so obsessed with finding someone to call my boyfriend that I’ll settle for the first acceptable guy who comes along.
I’m not going to start off a relationship by making exceptions. Those little things turn into big things. If I have to lower my standards on the first date, I can only imagine what will happen as things progress. I don’t want to date someone because I like the idea of who they could be or because they have potential. I want to like them as they are, right in front of me. If I’m already noticing qualities I want to change about someone that early on, it’s clearly not meant to be.
I would rather have impossibly high standards than be desperate. I would rather be satisfied with my life as it is, on my own, than feel like I need someone to make me whole. I’d rather kiss a thousand frogs than assume that the first creep I see is a prince. I want to be so happy that it takes an incredibly special person for me to change my situation than so incredibly unhappy that I’ll take the first guy who will have me.