I’ve lived in LA for 8 months now and I think that’s pretty cool. Not because it’s any sort of landmark or anniversary or anything, but because I made a very life altering decision and have thus far been pretty successful. I’m particularly proud because I decided to leave right when I’d really gotten my shit together back in Maine. I was quite content. No better time to leave when you’ve grown roots, right?
I had a pretty nice job, playing with dogs all day, and was writing constantly. I was going out a lot, though not nearly to the same extent I had just a few months before. Yeah… I mean…. yeah. That’s not to be repeated. I had successfully managed to make a solid group of new friends in addition to my closest old ones. I was pretty popular, if I do say so myself.
Then I was like “kay, peace out y’all, moving to Cali where I don’t know anyone and am going to have to start all over. See ya never.”
BTW, by never I mean the beginning of July, because that’s when I’ll be back, if ever so briefly. Hide yo wives, hide yo kids. Shit’s gonna be cray.
Ripping up those roots and moving was difficult. I’m not even going to pretend it wasn’t. Like it was really, really difficult. I knew Portland life would only make me happy for a limited amount of time though, and it was already coming to an end. So sure, it was hard, but it was so good. Removing myself from everything that I knew was an enormous zap of life. It put everything into perspective.
I needed that change to learn what I really wanted… and what I didn’t want. It was a very good decision paired with a very bad one. I can’t say I regret my mistakes, so that’s good. I’ve certainly learned from them. It’s too bad I have to make certain mistakes at all, but hey. That’s just me. I’ve always been selfish, particularly so with this move. It was bad but also good.
The thing about that selfishness is that I was learning my worth. I don’t always need to put others’ happiness before my own, particularly not for the sake of convenience. I don’t always have to make it work. Once upon a time I would have felt bad about hurting someone else in order to not hurt myself. Buuut yeah. That’s kind of dumb. I’m sure not going to feel bad about doing what’s best for myself.
Regardless, that decision was hard. Of course it was. The decision I’m referring to is the removal of a once important person from my life. It became much less difficult when that person proved just how right that decision was. It was still hard though. Apparently I can’t re-iterate that enough. That’s just life I guess. We’re all just specks of dust in the vastness of this universe. Our universe could just be a speck of dust among infinite other universes. It’s all endless. Difficult choices must be made. Stuff happens. We have people we don’t want to deal with, second chances to give, third chances to resist, heartbreaks to be had, on and on and on. And that’s all before the first cup of coffee.
No matter how difficult the decision, it must be made. Life must be lived. Whether it’s the right choice or the wrong one, something has to happen. Life isn’t stagnant, regardless of how involved you choose to be. It will move on and leave you behind.
That situation was unfortunate and the choice laid out for me quite inconvenient. But I didn’t want to get left behind. I couldn’t continue down a road that was making me miserable. I had things in my life that I needed to focus on, things that I found far more important. Things that I needed to pursue so that I could be happy.
Cutting off a limb is tough, even if it’s totally diseased and you know it’s going to infect your entire life and eventually kill you. Like hey, I’ve had that leg for a pretty long time and it has some sentimental value. That leg and I had some good times together. And the doctor is over there like “shut up please, otherwise YOU WILL DIE” and finally you’re just like ok well I guess I don’t want that to happen.
So you cut it off and it’s not so great at first but then you’re like whatever, I’m alive, might as well make the best of it. So you do and it all works out.
I’ve made new friends. I’m even closer with the ones I left on the other side of the country. I like the way that my life is going. I’m happy.
That was the point, after all.