Dat Dating Game, Yo

Uh, so, being single, if only for a month, has made me painfully aware that I’ve never actually had to go through the dating process aaand I don’t really know how.  My first 20 years were basically boyfriend-less, and after that they were just all lined up and waiting.  I would say they were literally lined up but I don’t want to be one of those people.  That’s just literally how close it is to being true.

I’ve actually never had to deal with meeting someone at a bar through a drunken first encounter, following that up with hesitant, flirty texts, then meeting for “casual-drinks-because-we-have-to-keep-lines-blurred-and-all-that.”

WAIT JUST KIDDING THAT’S NOT TRUE.  The texting part isn’t.  That’s always there, and I’ve always been terrible at it.  But the thing is that no matter what, I always knew the recipient was interested.  I mean come on, it’s me.

Just kidding.

But really.

lily kane fabulous gif

It didn’t matter how pushy or forward or needy I was, because I actually already knew the guy, and he was already interested.  My own obvious interest was just a bonus.  Because yeah, once again, I’m great.  Or really at the very least the guy knew (THOUGHT) he was going to get laid.  Come on, now.  Come on.

Turns out strangers do notttt feel the same way as other guys I’ve had text relationships with.  So yeah, good times all around.

Just to be clear, I’m definitely not actually dating right now.  Not even kind of.  These are just observations and realizations I’ve had over the past few weeks during my severely limited though marginally improved interactions with human beings/potential friends.

america's next top model antm awkward gif

And that is my life.

I mean, I’ve heard about all of this.  The dating games.  The whole, aloof, not really THAT interested, kind of busy, “I’ll see you when I see you” type of attitude that people try to have BUT DON’T REALLY HAVE.  Ugh, I can’t even.  I’ve always had friends who were (and are currently) dealing with dating hardships.  Honestly, I’d always thought they were exaggerating.


How hard could it be?  You like someone, you make a point to talk to them and to make plans.  If they’re interested, it’s obvious.


Right, so I was just talking to a friend about how she likes a guy, and there’s a good chance she won’t be seeing him again after this week.  Obvious solution is to get his number.  I don’t think it’s a big deal; go up to him, say “hey we should hang out sometime.  What’s your number?”  Boom, simple, done, no big deal.


APPARENTLY PEOPLE DON’T DO THAT.  I literally have no clue how else to go about it.  But apparently THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT WAY.

I knew that we never really leave the high school-type social scenarios, but have we actually regressed to middle school notes and middle-man friends?

do you like me note

I’m just guessing, though I’m pretty sure, that the scenario is resolved by the guy asking for a girl’s number first.  You know, laws of antiquated sexism in full effect and all that.  So I guess that’s problem number one: done.  Awesome.  High five.  Get it, girl.


It really only leads to the way more stress-inducing difficulties of what to actually say to this guy.  I mean, I really don’t find this to be a big deal.  First of all, if he asked you for your number, that’s a good sign, right?


Apparently exchanging numbers does not actually have any substantial significance.  It only leads to yet another game, this time waiting to see if he’s going to text or call.  In my humble opinion, if you have his number, you better just shut the fuck up and text him.  We have fingers to dial and brains to put those fingers to use.  Just do it.

And then flirt.  Obviously.  At this point, if you don’t know how to do that, then that’s not my problem.  Get your life together.

So ok, cool, you guys have established that you want to talk to each other.  Then comes the most hilarious, Mean Girls-esque part that I absolutely love.  Relaying every single detail to your friends and asking for their approval and advice before saying it.

gretchen wieners you wouldn't buy a skirt

Oh believe me, I’m guilty of it too, the whole “he said this, so I said this, so he said that, actually, let me just send you a screencap of the convo.”  And my friends will give me what is probably good advice, and then I ignore it and do whatever I want, anyway.

those rules aren't real mean girls gif

And that’s what is and will forever be my problem.  There are rules to this game, and I really just don’t care.  I’m pushy.  If I like you, you’re going to fucking know it.  And I’m going to be paranoid that you find me annoying and needy.  But I’m going to continue anyway.  Because if you don’t like me, unless you ignore me or flat out tell me, I will not take the hint.  I am CHOOSING not to take the hint.  Because you are an asshole if you’d rather lead me on that be straight with me.

(This “you” is no one in particular.  Just all the “yous” of my potential dating world.)

The way I see it is this: I might like you, you might like me.  So let’s just tell each other that and make it a point to see each other again soon.  Then if we decide we actually do like each other, great.  If not, make that clear then we shall continue on our merry way.  Separately.  Except when we awkwardly run into each other through mutual friends.  Then have kind of awkward “eh, why not?” sex.  Except not really, because I don’t do that.


But here I am, realizing this attitude I have might not actually benefit me.  Because these games are played for a reason, and apparently you freak guys out when you’re just fucking honest.  Except I don’t want to bother with someone I have to play games with.  Except apparently everyone does it.  And that is just the worst justification for doing anything, ever.  I learned that in D.A.R.E.

Yeah, and we all know how effective that program was.

Getting involved in this whole dating scene, especially in L.A., is just grossly unappealing.  So I think I’m just going to revert back to my high school dreams of becoming a lesbian.  Or a nun.  Or asexual.  None of which seem particularly appealing or easy, but all more so than trying to date men.

The end.  Forever.

lafayette ciao bitches gif


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