I told the man I have been involved with for a year and a half that I love him. I felt more comfortable with him that night than I have ever before, with anyone I have dated. I felt secure and so full of love for days after. Yesterday that good mood ebbed away. I recognized the ebbing when I woke up to my alarm–“Waking up with a smile makes your day better”–and mustered only an eye roll, but had a good morning, and didn’t notice again until the afternoon. Such an amazing feeling is finite and when I recognized its faded presence, I wondered what I could do to sustain it, what had happened for it to go away. I blame money. After feeling so steady with my finances, sure of my financial planning and goals, I suddenly had several hundred dollars less than I expected, with several more necessary errands I need to run before my next paycheck. Never mind that my checking account is in a significantly and progressively improved state. Love did not fix my finances and despite what I felt and believed for days, did not make everything okay.
As I deflated, I regressed to habits I’d given up for approximately five days, eager to re-establish a familiar connection with my anxiety, only to continue feeling exactly nothing.
HI HELLO I’M HERE I’M ALIVE.
WordPress forgot me after all these months away. It was bound to happen, given the amount of logins and passwords I have for the platform–for about twenty other websites that are not mine. That I maintain for clients. Sort of. They are clients! Do I maintain their websites? Sort of. I probably could, I think. It’s WordPress, not rocket science, but as much as I like to think that I can handle web development, developer I am not.
All it took was a lot (or should I say a latte) of caffeine and I’m back! My creative excitement is pinging around inside of me and I want to sustain the feeling infinitely, but this always goes the same way…
Aaand it’s gone.
Listen. I’ve been dating someone for almost a year, okay? Except that’s not true at all and if he were anyone else I would feel just so completely ridiculous writing that, because we actually only dated for a month at the most. Continue reading “Maybe Things Are Going Right”
I’ve been consistently taking Adderall for almost a year now! Crazy how time flies. My usual psychiatrist is very wary of treating his patients with stimulants, which I think is reasonable, given that I’ve been abusing* them off and on for five years. Surprise!
Continue reading “Amphetamine Logic”
On Wednesday, November ninth, I woke up at six a.m. and in the dim light, swiped through my phone to Facebook. News from the night before had not changed. I thought it would have changed.
I walked the few feet from my bed to my bathroom and peed while the fog of my dreams lifted. I stood up to brush my teeth and wondered what I’ll do if I ever need an abortion. Instead of reaching for my toothbrush, I gripped the counter and crumpled to a squat, crushed by the force of my sobs.
Eventually, I brushed my teeth. The sight of my puffy eyes and red face in the mirror threatened to propel me to further ugly crying. I didn’t look at myself again.
Continue reading “All I Want for Christmas is a New President”
It’s been a while.
Last week, one of my friends said I was like “a real adult.” I told her that I’m just good at pretending. Would a real adult get an email notification from her bank that her account balance fell below $25? Twice? In one day? If the answer is yes, then you could say that yes, I am very much a real adult.
Continue reading “Hi, Remember Me?”